Monday, September 14, 2009

Thoughts to remember

*Disclaimer....sappy post*

My mind has been rambling for quite a while now and sometimes I can't make sense of my thoughts. I am using this post as an organizer for my thoughts today.

Recently I have been thinking much clearer. I again feel those little tugs at my heart and my soul which I have not felt in a long time.

I have always struggled with the concept of Grace and my worthiness of God's love. I think it stems sometimes from my insecurities and my lack of self worth. I am so much better today than I used to be (learning to silence my inner critic), I still have those random thoughts of "why me Lord" when I feel like an ant and then other thoughts I feel in sync with God and completely get it.

Today I get it. I feel over joyed with God's love and I feel his presence again in my life. I have been in a fog for a long while; not feeling much of anything. I didn't have a desire to do things I used to enjoy much less than do things God called me to do. I have a desire again... a fire burning inside me that excites me.

I was scared for a long time thinking I had lost my fire for God or that He had lost His fire for me. I didn't feel His presence (which was something I was used to feeling from a very young age) I felt dead. I felt God was just barely out of reach, like the picture above with the life preserver.

One of my pathways to God is through nature. I prayed and prayed to feel God again during our trip to Canada in 2004. I felt nothing while we were there. I was surrounded by God's glory in this beautiful setting and I didn't feel God. Later I realized God didn't want me to find him 2000 miles from home, He wanted me to feel him right here.... in my house, through my kids, in the eyes of a caring friend and through the love of my spouse.

I was in this valley for a very long time... seemed like an eternity. I doubted my faith and my purpose in life. I had a stretch of time where we dealt with a lot. Medical issues, loss of loved ones (my mother especially) loss of pets, jobs, friends.. you name it we lost it. I was not where I needed to be when all this hit, which was on my knees. Instead I dealt with it the way I felt would be best. I held it all in... I didn't talk about it much.. and I certainly didn't turn it over to God. I was rather angry at God actually. I remember shortly after my mom died I had quite a few heated discussions with Him during the day when I was alone in the house. ( I am sure anyone walking past our house that fall felt I had lost my mind... and maybe I did for a while)

Looking back now I see God was there for me and I refused to see Him. I pushed Him away and He continually said "I am here and I will not leave you alone". They say when you go through rough times you really know who your friends are and that is so true. Greg and I are surrounded by incredible friends and they all came running when we needed them. Nothing anyone can say will take away the pain, but knowing you are loved does a lot for a broken heart. God was big and in person through our friends.

Greg has been my rock and has seen me through a lot. He has been one of the best gifts God has ever given me and I thank Him every day for allowing me to share my life with him. Greg is yet another example of God's love that has stayed beside me and has never wavered. I love him more each day and I appreciate all that he has given and continues to give me.

I could go on and on and on about God's gift of our children and the joy they bring me. I was watching a child the other day while at a friends house. He was watching a moth outside on their porch flutter around in the light. His eyes were large with amazement and his face lit with excitement. I remember watching our own children with the same look of amazement on their face... what a great joy it has been to be their mother. It just keeps getting better every day.

Each time I lose a loved one I feel life getting shorter and shorter. We are here for such a short time and I want to make the best of it. I want to love and embrace my family and not waste a single moment arguing. I want to experience the life God intended for me to the fullest. I heard this Mercy Me song the other day and it spoke to my heart....

"In The Blink Of An Eye"

You put me here for a reason
You have a mission for me
You knew my name and You called it
Long before I learned to breathe

Sometimes I feel disappointed
By the way I spend my time
How can I further Your kingdom
When I'm so wrapped up in mine

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

And though I'm living a good life
Can my life be something great?
I have to answer the question
Before it's too late

Cause in a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye

If I give the very best of me
That becomes my legacy
So tell me what am I waiting for?
What am I waiting for?

In a Blink of an eye that is when
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been
Time will fly, but until then
I'll embrace every moment I'm given

So, why all the sappiness you might ask? Well for starters I read my blog.... I go back a lot and re-read what I have written and kinda analyze myself and where I was when I wrote it. I want to remind myself during those tough times (cause I know there will be more) that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and would never leave me, I have a spouse and 2 children that continually fill me with joy and love, AND on top of all of that I have incredible friends and family.

I am me again and I love it. I haven't been me for a long time so if I was distant, not caring, thoughtless or "dead" to you I am so sorry. It was never my intention. I plan to be a better person than I have been over the past several years.

My prayer for today is that I continue to be open to those tugs at my heart and that you may be too.... they are there whether we take the time to feel them or not.

1 comment:

  1. Always remember YOU are Gods gift to the people in your life. A big reason you are loved so much is because YOU love so much. I think I speak for the collective when I say you are a true blessing in this world. You always have been and you always will be! I learn LOVE from you everyday.